the last time i took a picture of myself sitting curled up on the floor of the shower in this house i was at least as if not more miserable than i am now. the difference is i had been kind of dying here for such a long time, and back then i was about to leave. it was about to be over.
but now i’m here again, where there is nothing, there’s no purpose and no people and no way out and there’s nothing anywhere and i’m scared i’ll never leave? so so scared. i want to throw up kind of all the time.
i don’t know how to explain it so that it makes sense, because i’m not processing the ‘why’ i’m just feeling this thing where it’s like pieces of me are ceasing to exist and i don’t know why they’re doing that and i don’t get out of bed and i don’t leave the house and i haven’t seen the sun and i’m having real trouble feeling anything other than this awful nauseous like, internal death feeling? which sounds SO dramatic, especially because i can’t explain it and especially especially because i am aware of how it sounds. i just can’t think of a way to describe it that feels more accurate. it’s like being deprived of oxygen, but emotionally.