okay, that whole thing, the mpdg thing, that’s actually why i held back, on liking her. so i mean, i get it? i get recoiling a bit from that whole concept. sure.

but like, whoa. it’s not zooey deschanel’s fault, that our culture is fucked up and every successful girl needs a group or category or goddamned box to be put in, and that’s the one that she ended up in. even before now, i didn’t specifically like or dislike her, despite my maintained distaste for the manic pixie dream girl thing. she’s a person. and my neutral feelings about her came more from how i never really saw her step out of that box, or work within it in a way that i found interesting or compelling or different. it’s entirely possible i wasn’t looking closely enough, because, guess what? it’s really easy to not take her seriously, and dismiss her. that’s part of the whole point of getting put in a ‘manic pixie dream girl’ box, that now you don’t get to be taken seriously.

look, i’m like super-fucking-exhausted like i had to type exhausted like 5 times ‘cause i keep making typos but let’s not take valid criticism of archetype boxes that actresses/women/people are put into and use them as an excuse for girl-hate, okay? or, trying to shame me for appreciating zooey deschanel. all of that. let’s not. 

in fact, look to the quote i am about to post from new girl (which is what inspired me to make my original post) ‘cause it feels kind of relevant right now.

i think a good place to start is to remember that all people are well… people, and that the vast majority of humans find joy somewhere in their lives. it’s human nature and a survival mechanism and i mean of course it doesn’t mean that everyone is great or fine or whatever, thinking about it does help one to remember that the world is not a giant black hole of suffering.

i say this because, if you are an empathetic person (as it sounds like you are) then when you think about all the pain in the world it starts to seem bigger and bigger because there is so much of it, and it seems impossible that anything that is enough could ever be done, and the more you think about it the more it blocks the light out of everything you see. and it’s hard to reconcile *not* thinking about it because it only seems fair, right? except while you’re held down by the weight of the world’s suffering, people are living and dying with yes, often a disproportionate amount of pain in their lives, and too little joy, but you’re both missing out on joy and missing out on bringing joy to others, aka helping.

and i see this kind of thought pattern in your message, here. ‘cause i mean, a part of me wants to say.. i don’t know! i don’t know how i keep from sinking into a deep depression, now that you mention it. wow, you’re right, things are horrible, for women, for so many people in so many ways, and.. it’s that tempting, to think that way. but it doesn’t help. 

what does help, is realizing that really small things can help. ‘cause i mean like, anything you do that’s not nothing is worth something, right? and it’s better than nothing. and if you’re paralyzed by sadness, you aren’t doing anything.

telling people helps. talking to people about the things that are wrong and bad, the things that would pull you down into the depression. ‘cause, then they know, too. and they take that knowledge with them into every decision they make, and everything that they do.

honestly, that’s where i start, still, myself. just verbalizing the frustrations and the things that just, get you, takes the pressure off your mind a bit. move from there to organizing your thoughts, your feelings, your mind. don’t focus on the powerless feeling, focus on how the fact that you know, the fact that you can see and understand these things, makes you powerful.

my best advice from there (this is the part that i’m still working on) is to think of the things you’re good at, what you do well, and think of how you can use them to express or affect or improve or, whatever! but you don’t have to do that part, right now. start inside yourself, inside your own mind, and take baby steps from there. that’s the only way anyone can start, you know?

so, yeah. thinking about what you can do, and what is possible, is what helps you and everyone else the most.

+5 self-esteem

oh! my skin has been better than it was, lately, although i had no idea it was particularly noticeable in pictures (or do you know me irl, anon?)

thank you for noticing either way, that’s nice.

the only big changes i’ve made are.. well one, that i’ve been doing a lot better about not picking at my skin/touching my face in general. that makes a big difference, and ‘avoid touching your face’ is excellent skincare advice no matter who you are. like, you want to do something good for your skin? leave it alone (as a general rule).

also i’ve really embraced moisturizer a lot more, as of late. my skin is fairly oily so i used to only use oil-free moisturizers quite sparingly, but like.. after washing your face it needs oil, no matter how oily it is usually. so not giving it that just leads to irritation and a rebound overproduction of oil, all of which leads to breakouts and generally less healthy skin.

i already used baby lotion for my body, & i just started putting it on my face too since it’s so mild. i never break out from it, and actually now that i’ve started doing it i moisturize all the time, so often when your skin looks tired or uneven or just generally blah, some hydration will make a world of difference.

which leads me to my last point, i don’t know if i do enough of this, but when i do drink a lot of water my skin always looks better, so drink water! really just keeping with the hydration theme.

to sum up: facial skin is delicate, so it needs to be handled as little as possible, and handled gently when you must do so. as long as your skin is clean, then always err on the side of oily vs. dry because delicate skin also needs tons of moisture. and not just from the outside, from the inside, so drink water whenever you can think/remember to, especially before going to bed (and especially especially in the dry air of winter).

my goodness this got long. is there an ask i don’t say that at the end of? maybe not.

so there’s the answer to the question, and then there’s also the whoa, super-flattered part. i’ll start with that? whoa, i really really appreciate that comparison. i don’t want to gush ‘cause it would be kind of incoherent but, really. thank you.

to answer your question, i really have considered it. i’m starting to think that writing is going to be, or should be, at least part of what end up doing (in the grander sense). i thought for a while that i didn’t want to write because i wanted to be some kind of performer, but i think that’s just because i am so far behind in the latter goal. like, i do want to find an outlet for that, very much, but while i do that there’s no reason i can’t also write, especially since i already (casually) do so all the time.

i have been going back and looking at some of the things i’ve written on here, and trying to pick out the best bits and find some.. cohesion, i guess? i have no discipline or structure and when i set out to write about something it never comes out the way i want it to, or even particularly well. it’s the things that just come to me out of nowhere that i just have to say, that come out good. but i don’t choose those, they come to me. probably taking control of that and fine-tuning it is something i could/should work on, but in the meanwhile i want to maybe compile something out of what i already have.

i’m only really at the point of finding a theme, sometimes i want it to be about power and femininity and sometimes i want it to be about emotions, and actually maybe i want it to be about all of those things but i want to process it, boil it down, purify it more. less chatter and more what i’m trying to say, both in concept and in my actual words.

so, that’s where i’m at with that. thank you again for the kind words, and also thank you for asking that question. it made me kind of.. take stock? assess where i’m at? give my thoughts some order? something like that.

i honestly can’t quite gauge your intent from this… it could be a casually asked harmless question or it could be kind of intentionally cavalier/not-so-nice, i can’t tell. i guess i’ll warily give it the benefit of the doubt? so.

um well, that’s not really an accurate description of my life anymore, lately. which i haven’t really highlighted a lot on here i guess but that’s because if i talk about actions i don’t do them, and i’m terrified of losing my momentum. so i’m going to leave it at, ‘that’s not a fully accurate description anymore’.

but as for before, i mean.. it’s called depression? be glad you can’t imagine. seriously, that’s kind of good (good that that kind of thing is far from your experience, although you should consider broadening your horizons in regards to your understanding of other people/those with situations and experiences that differ from your own).

i could go into a giant novel here, but.. i don’t know, i guess i feel like that kind of covers it? or maybe i’m just done. either way.

may. why?

okay i’ll try. i am feeling not-so-good again today, kind of like everything is pointless which is not actually true so i don’t know why i feel it? but so, i have to try and force myself into a routine of some kind in the hope that something improves somehow. 

but frankly the fact that someone wants something from me is genuinely heartening right now, even anonymously on the internet offhand using three words, so, i really will try.

213 after just having unfollowed a few. i want to get it down to 200 or less but idk if that’s going to happen

this is like the 8th one of these i am super-done with them

photoshop

um… duh? as i mentioned, i don’t really draw, and i don’t know why i felt like doing it now, i usually find it kind of tiring and/or boring. it’s like anything else, sometimes i get things stuck in my head to do, and i don’t particularly care if they’re ‘good’ or not. 

this is what i always say to anons and i must sound like a broken record but it’s what i always think, why waste your time telling me this? negative impact-wise this is your best case scenario, and i doubt it’s what you were going for. what is wrong with you? not even in a flippant way, but really?

that’s as much effort as i can put in, i’m too tired and hungry for this.

why would i say ‘ew i don’t want to work at mcdonalds’? who gives a fuck? you have really misunderstood my perspective, here. (also for the record, saying that mcdonalds hires people who can ‘barely speak english’ to show that they have low hiring standards is super-gross.. so i mean, ew to that, certainly).

i don’t think the donate button thing is pathetic. nor was i seeking opinions on that matter. i wanted to know if it would be obnoxious because people tend to comment more if they find things obnoxious and i don’t want to hear it, and i also wanted to seek out general opinions of people i know and respect. 

you don’t know me, you have misinterpreted my words. you’re sharing your opinion which is, whatever, but it doesn’t relate to what you seem to think is the point.

and you know i’m already done discussing this with anons, i had forgotten how pointless this was. perspective is a fascinating thing.

i definitely don’t know when to stop. that’s true in all areas of my life. i do, lean on those things. rejection is my most fundamental fear, so i am always desperate to be accepted, desperate to explain myself (so that people will understand me, as understanding leads to acceptance) and to be excused for my flaws and mistakes, all in the pursuit of acceptance or better i suppose, the avoidance of rejection.

i don’t see them as obstacles, exactly, i know they could all be beneficial, it’s just that that’s scary. everything is scary, because i’m never secure because i might be rejected and i need everyone to never reject me, ever but they won’t they can’t all, you know, so.

‘cause see, if people don’t know about all the bad things about me they might expect me to be like, really good and even if i could do that or be that i can’t do it all the time, no one can, and i don’t even think i could do it very much and i’m not even sure i could do it at all, so i would fail to meet their expectations and then they will reject me. which is REALLY BAD.

this is a giant tangent though

thank you in general for the message and the kindness & insight with which it was written

the dress? urban outfitters, this summer. they might still have it (although i kind of doubt it but sometimes they have things for a while)