having christmas money was great, but i got way too used to not being trapped here. 

if i had a place to invite people to i would invite a bunch of people over when i felt like this, it would be nice and i would have all my stuff and just, yeah

i have to kill the part of me that’s terrified of being too.. not far away, but i guess of missing time with my family? i think that’s a huge part of what holds me back. like, i’m sad that i can’t be anywhere else, but i’m.. i always get afraid. it’s really fucking obnoxious ‘cause i love my mom so much when i don’t see her. i mean i love her all the time, but when i don’t see her all i can remember is the nice things, and i suddenly feel guilty and small and alone. ‘cause our problems aren’t real problems, most of the time. or i mean they’re problems i guess but they’re just the problems that any two people who’ve been chained together at the ankle for 23 years might have. she’s actually this really great mom/person/etc.

like i feel like a lot of people have a much harder time dealing with their parents? which i don’t envy, it’s not that, it’s just that i have absolutely no idea how to go about handling this awful sick feeling like i’m, i don’t know abandoning safety or something.

what i like best is being able to come and go as i please without actually making a choice, but that’s expensive and ridiculous and clearly unsustainable. if i want to actually live, i have to give up my feeling of safety. if i want my feeling of safety, i can’t actually live.