every so often i consider adding a donate button to my blog, for two reasons: one, because of the guilt i feel over costing my mother so much money, or really ‘so’ much considering especially the point i am at in my life - if you have kids, you don’t expect them to cost so much at 23, i think. it’s unfair, and my being fucked-up in the head is unfair to her, and it’s just, yeah. two is because even though i continue to look for jobs and do occasionally earn money, it’s hard partially because of just the way jobs are now, and then, partially because i get really panicked about being responsible for something which earns money.

it’s the most ridiculous thing, because it could be something less important than things i do or would do for free, but it doesn’t matter because once you involve money it’s like, i can’t handle it. i feel this weird combination thing where i feel like i don’t deserve any money, but i also feel simultaneously like whatever i did, that money wasn’t worth it. there’s a total disconnect. and even that on its own wouldn’t have to be as bad, but i’ve been like this for a while and as such my job history is filled with giant gaps and failures and inconsistencies and general red flags.

so i feel fucking hopeless about jobs. but if i stop doing things outside of here i go back to complete stasis and there’s kind of no hope at all. i’m practically unhireable and emotionally unstable and i’m trying to escape but i can feel it that it’s not sustainable, and i hate the idea of not doing absolutely everything i could do.

i don’t actually think anyone would actually give me anything, even, really. it’s more the idea that if one day just one good samaritan thought ‘ah, what the hell’ that’d be something, you know? 

i don’t have that pride surrounding money that people have, sometimes, maybe that’s ‘cause of the disconnect i have between money and personal accomplishment, i don’t know. but the idea doesn’t bother me at all, i guess i’m just afraid to open myself to the criticism that would come with that. i don’t want to feed into this hyperbolic image of myself as a self-indulgent waste of space and resources, who does nothing and works for nothing and is possibly an example of what’s wrong with the world, goddamnit, blah blah blah.

god i didn’t mean to write this much, all i’m really asking is, if i added a donate button to my blog would you all think i was a giant asshole?