recognizing and confronting your own pain and asking for help when you need it is infinitely better than suffering loudly with your head in the sand, subconsciously hoping someone notices. i haven’t done the latter in a while but it’s good to write out & remind myself of nevertheless.
whoa i just realized why when (for example) looking at ppl on okcupid i immediately dismiss boys who aren’t compatible with me sex-wise (aka who aren’t at least somewhat dominant & into pain). like i had felt really weird that i kept doing that, as if i was limiting my options or something? BUT i realized that dudes who aren’t into the same stuff, if i dated them & we were going to have sex, i wouldn’t feel safe. if you don’t know what it looks like when someone who likes pain isn’t okay anymore, if you don’t know to look for that, if you don’t know how to tell when someone is overwhelmed/panicking/not okay because you’ve just never thought about things like that, i’m not safe.
to be clear, i only will actually feel safe if a given person meets all my other more universally basic requirements (not a rapist, gets that most dudes are gross, doesn’t want cookies, has decent politics regardless of whether or not that’s his thing, aka lots of stuff that boils down to ‘decent human’). ‘cause there’s gross assholes all over. but i have had bad/awful experiences where i say “i like [thing x]” and they hear “i can do whatever i want, now that she’s said that, also i can stop listening to her.”
& like, fuck it, i can be as picky as i want to feel safe & okay. like, nothing is a guarantee, & i’m even more picky/take an even harder line on the basic decent human stuff. that comes first, and it’s only after that that any other traits/interests/whatever have meaning. but, it’s nice to realize that a thing that had been bugging me about like, what my subconscious seemed to want, was actually my subconscious trying to make sure i was safe. thanks, subconscious.
when girls think they are better than other girls because they are tomboys who engage in stereotypically “male” activities it makes me want to actually gouge my own eyes out because they are pretty much reinforcing the patriarchal idea that men are better than women without even realizing it and that is just incredibly sad
sometimes i feel like there are girls who know you’re not supposed to feel this and so don’t but also still benefit in ways that are ignored because when you can do certain things or act in certain ways or look a certain way with ease it still gives you a leg up, so to speak?
you get taken more seriously, and whether you think it makes you better or not is sometimes completely irrelevant if you don’t pay attention to how it’s that little bit easier for you to be seen as something resembling a person.
i’m avoiding the word ‘privilege’ but also i think it’s somehow simpler to say, the more things you can do and are and act like and be that are distant from stereotypical girl things, the more often you get to feel like a person (compared to someone for whom all else is equal, but doesn’t have that distance).
sometimes just not looking down on people, or not *actively* placing yourself above them is a pretty fucking low bar.
when i was 18 i still wished i could go back and look 10 because i never really got 10 and i wanted a do-over, 21 corresponded with about 14 now i’m 26 and feel ready to look maybe 20
i just want to be cute and not worry about it? this is ill thought out but i feel it very strongly
i need to be cuter tell me how to make my skin cuter and my stomach not be distended in response to stress and also look younger and not puffy please thanks
room is damp. can’t close door. forgetting things dropping things failing people left right center. can’t turn on ac. have to pee, won’t stand. have to figure out how to feel better and eat even though the room is damp and the air is damp and i’ve developed a hypervigilance about the dripping sound and watching the bucket and the pots and the floor staring at them making sure i know where the water comes from and where it falls. have to do things. feel gross. life.
is life really feeling like you’re failing all the time, this much? i keep wanting to create new girls that are better than the last one was but they all turn out to be failures. we’re all failures. every time. if i had a sense of self worth it wouldn’t matter so much and also if i could fly i wouldn’t need to spend money on metrocards ever, they’re the same