why didn’t anyone tell me
i wonder if i focus really hard if i’ll explode but actually i already know i won’t because i’ve tried at various points throughout my life, i’ve gained weight which is fine i don’t care i’m not supposed to care i DON’T care but this skirt doesn’t fit and it’s cutting into my sides and i have to pee and i keep remembering when it fit different because clothes are like that and, i really really hate not already knowing what’s going to happen and maybe i should play a sport where i can hit things or find an activity where i can scream and rage and break things that make a satisfying noise because it feels like that would do me some good
You are not a burden.
You are not a bother.
You enhance the lives of others.
People smile, not groan, when you text them.
my emotional response to this is actually guilt and shame because i know i should believe this, but don’t (guilt) & also live in fear that my inability to believe it is actually somehow manipulative & as such should never be shared (shame)
not to say that this isn’t a positive & good post it is it is just, that shit goes deep, apparently
when i started to be around people and live not in this house and stuff i slowly forgot the skills that let me survive when that wasn’t the case. like i learned specifically how to feel like i existed and was a person and get joy out of things and etc. and i have forgotten all of it, full stop.
it’s scary and hard. which is fine, so are lots of things lots of times and that’s fine and life and, sure. it’s not special or remarkable. that doesn’t actually make anything better or easier or give me a clue as to how to proceed, but it’s true.