lol to get a google voice number you need a working phone number ha ha awesome
googling “how to deal with overwhelming emotions” when you feel overwhelmed by emotion isn’t a terrible idea
because then you’re reading things about how to calm yourself down, things that start by validating what you’re feeling and then tell you what you can do
it’s not bad at all
gotta get serious about job searching
gotta figure out how to make phone calls with no cell service
as it turns out some days are ‘crying and never getting out of bed or turning any lights on’ and some are ‘having a cup of coffee and knitting a lot’ it varies
i can knit really shitty non-rectangular shapes now
my anime girl archetype is the sad girl with dark hair who struggles to control her immense powers
okay you are asking me for the name of an app that is super fucked up abt calories and weight loss and i only even mentioned it as, it is a thing that is enabling my eating disorder and general depression and downward spiral and because i am sick i purposefully picked the app that seemed the most unhealthy and i’m not here to help anyone do that?
if you want to track your food there are lots of ways? i specifically highlighted really fucked up things about it and all i can guess is that’s what’s making it seem better than the others? and this is really making me want to cry in a way that is separate from all the other shit that’s wrong with my life because, jesus christ, you know? it’s sad. that post was sad. my fucked up food shit is sad. you’re asking me to contribute to more sadness. it’s not hard to find, fucked up weight loss apps are a dime a dozen. this is making me really sad. doesn’t it make you sad too?
i mean, you could. and if you kept asking i would probably tell you because it would start to seem ridiculous and maybe it already does but, i mean it’s not just me is it? is it insane to not want to answer this question? is it weird or abnormal that it makes me want to cry?
if you want to talk to me off anon, go for it and i mean that and i’m not mad or like, really but i hope it makes sense why this is bothering me and making me sad and just, yeah
now i want to cry, fuck
when your brain is sick it leaks out the sides and i have nowhere to put anything because my head is so full but this is not a blog where i tell you that that is not what this is
that was not a post about a good thing
ed tw (some extremely fucked up thoughts)
i’m not sleepy yet i have this app i downloaded recently that when you tell it what you ate besides just tracking it and the calories and everything when you tap ‘finished logging for today’ it tells you what you’d weigh in 5 weeks time if every day were like today
it also tells you that you aren’t eating enough and that you should eat more. it justifies that suggestion by explaining starvation mode in weight loss. so basically, eat more you might not lose weight if you don’t.
it has become one of my few joys
now it’s time to put in earplugs and take melatonin and benadryl and read/try to not think about how i’m literally never happy and may never be again until i fall asleep
a spoonful of honey with salt on it is a delicious way to cover a range of flavors without having to get out of bed or even sit up
that’s, i’m looking at these messages as kindly as i can. and really, this is thoughtful and sweet and, it sounds dismissive to say ‘a good effort’ but it is! really! it’s just that that isn’t what i’m worried about at all. something is causing me a massive amount of pain. it is not unjust, and it is not intentional, and it is to be honest, my own fault. and not in a bitter sarcastic way either, it’s really seriously my fault. and i don’t have a way to make the pain stop that doesn’t mean killing off parts of myself i’m not ready to kill.
i feel empty, now. the pain makes me empty. the suffering makes me empty. i recognize that moving forwards and away from the pain could lead to less emptiness. i know. i know how pain works. i just can’t. it’s not bad enough yet. i’m scared, sure, but not scared enough apparently? not scared enough to overcome how badly i don’t want to shut myself off. so.
and maybe there are other ways. but i don’t have the emotional control, the finesse, to block out the pain without blocking out everything that goes with it. i lack the skill. i’m doing what i can. i’m trying to preserve feelings that are doing their best to destroy me. i know how insane that sounds. it just is what it is. i’m in survival mode. it’s not pretty. it is making me unravel. it is very painful. but there’s nothing i can do about it right now. and that needs to be fine. i need to create new pathways ones that expect pain. i need to learn to be fine with it, i think, because i am unwilling to do anything else.