I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you
are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body.
You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she
will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes
that never stay dry. You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back
to spending Friday nights with boys who never learn my last name.
I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me
You think it’s romantic to fuck the girl who writes poems about you.
You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own.
But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless.
and try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone
and you will not let me in. You will tell me to go home.
Those who are the hardest to love need it the most.
facebook is stupid you’re carelessly unkind and i’m sad
the word friend doesn’t apply to some things. for some things it is inadequate, and that’s just, it. there’s no scenario where it suddenly becomes adequate without a fundamental change involving increased distance and deeply decreased intimacy. that’s what that would mean.
why do we get so awkward around expressing deep emotion. why are we embarrassed and resistant. what would happen if we softened into it, instead of criticized it. what would happen if we felt everything we felt, without an urge to suppress the emotions of ourselves or others. what if we believed in waves, instead of fear. what if we enjoyed being vulnerable. i think we would become a compassion that could change the world. what does it hurt to try. the next time you want to shrink, try love, to go loose, i will be trying too.
i don’t think it’s clear how little i feel secure in right now. like maybe it’s just me that wants to keep trying at all. i don’t know. that’s all i’d like to know.
if people with maximum trust clearance seem unable or unwilling to handle whatever emotion i’m experiencing, i will never branch out from that point. not like, ultimate never, but like.. for that scenario i will only default down to ‘withdraw’. no blame, i can’t handle me either! but one, why the fuck should some poor unsuspecting person who has a smaller percentage of the reality have to? and two, why would i choose a time when the overwhelmingness of me has just been confirmed to take emotional risks? that’s never gonna happen. safety leads to risk taking, not insecurity. withdrawal from others leads me to withdraw myself. it’s no ones responsibility but mine, but it should be clear that that’s how it is.