like, wow. i think this is the kind of thing i’ve been waiting for but i couldn’t ask for it because i can’t court rejection because i’m insane. i feel relief. i can say true things and like i’m crying because i can say how i actually feel and i don’t have to fight myself to make feelings come out true but not too true.
i feel like a failed experiment. i am a failed experiment!!! yelling because i can say that kind of thing now. i feel like i was told a lot of things that slowly subtly stopped being true, and i was expected to be deep-down okay. or who the fuck knows what anyone expected, there was nothing specific to expect! but i was never okay. i was never really okay i just tried really hard to be. i tried to force the square peg into the round hole but i was never okay. i was heartbroken all the time. i lied to myself all the time. that’s the thing. i am someone who, security and love are really important to me. i don’t leave and i don’t, if someone i care about wants me to be close to them i cannot, my kind of brokenness means i can’t not. but i was never ‘okay’. not for a second. holy shit.
i tried!! and i have never been sadder than i am now. never been worse off emotionally. never been this broken, this out of warmth and compassion and hope and soul and self. never before. i’m a bitter empty thing now and i guess that’s what happens when you lie to yourself.
back when my friends were worried about *me*, i didn’t listen. i created a front that was ‘okay’. i forced myself to be ‘okay’ because i wanted to be happy. fool! ridiculous little fool! if someone tells you things that don’t make sense to you you don’t just hope they will. if you don’t understand what good you are to someone or why they want you in their life and they won’t tell you and when they try to tell you it doesn’t make any sense to you then maybe you are on your way to being a failed experiment and maybe you should stop now, not months later when your whole life is gone.
i was on my way to having a life that i built for myself. i began to push the people around me away when i realized i didn’t want them to see how broken i felt. how rejected and sad. this was maybe late november early december.
and i had to pretend to be fine.
can’t let people in if you’re pretending to be okay all the time.
if people want you further away let them do it but don’t let them have the pieces of you they still find acceptable if it kills you to try and give them. value yourself. i probably won’t, still, life is heartbreaking i wish i was dead, etc.
i really believe i am a failed experiment. and that will never matter. everything i was afraid of happened, and i’ll always look crazy for having been afraid.
i’m the crazy girl, remember!!!!!!!!! crazy girls emotions are weapons and we are to be feared and our emotions are not to be trusted and our inability to articulate our experiences with cold casual distance is a clear sign that we are not to be believed.