okay, see though. arf. tiny yippie dog bark. self-objectification isn’t the end if the world, & it doesn’t mean I don’t know I’m valuable and intelligent. I do know that. it’s a natural reaction to a world that offers very few other options. not *no* other options, but few. and they almost all suck, on some level. and tbh the emotional work to get past that shit, is not at the top of my list.
women and sexuality, that shit is fucking fraught and hard and you aren’t supposed to want things but you are supposed to be wanted and like, I’m not THERE, still. I’m in a place beyond that where I’m doing what I can to process the effect that that mindset has.
I make it work for me.
I find and have power within it.
being pretty being sexy being wanted, it feels good but much much more importantly than that it feels like something I can control. I almost want to make a video of me saying that, because it is so important, and made me tear up: it is something I can control.
I can feel sexual, and I can control it. actual tears, that is so important and so hard and so RARE. it is valuable. it is mine.
it is mine. my appearance is mine. I am mine, when I feel pretty. I know this is not an ideal source of power.
I know this is not considered an ideal source of control.
I know it is not accessible to everyone, and that is VERY VERY important and worth talking about. conventional attractiveness is a goddamned privilege. it is, it is.
but don’t feel *sad* for me, okay, please? feel happy for me that I found a way out of my head. that I found some way to enjoy these things where I can feel okay about it. there was a time when I wasn’t sure that would ever be true.
also, I don’t know of anyone I actively don’t like, or, ahh. there are probably people I’ve never met who like, reblog shit I don’t want reblogged, & that’ll bug me, but mostly I don’t remember those ppl as individuals & beyond that, like.. there are irl ppl I’m afraid of, but if I thought they had any positive feelings towards me, at all, that fear would dissipate. genuinely. & I doubt you are them, whoever you are.
so if you’re in any of those categories, i probably would like you fine under different circumstances than whatever you’re thinking of, & if you aren’t I can’t imagine I dislike you at all.
p.s. everyone, I’ve let autocorrect make all my I’s capitals bc I’ve been using just my phone for a while, & I’m tired of making them all lowercase for continuity’s sake. even though I do love continuity. ne’ertheless.