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Anonymous asks: I feel the need to explain my ask... I almost didn't include the sane part cause it did feel like an odd challenge. the whole comment feels like it came from trying to fit you into a preconceived box. it was odd... but I really wanted to say you underestimate your emotional impact. I think I do this myself a lot. I'm always shocked when people call me a friend or tell stories about me with a lot of emotion. In my case I'm a stoic person but I wonder why you'd think you don't have that impact.

for me it’s because i’m so, i don’t feel like a real person a lot of the time. i’m the lead actress in a movie called ‘dani: a very cute & temporarily entertaining broken girl, based on a true story’

the true story is mine but i’m not ever fully living my own truth. i’m playing at the idea of me.

now what i *know* i don’t realize is that more of actual me is visible, than i generally think. people see and value the real me it’s just that i don’t, so i completely miss when they do & have a very hard time believing it. it feels so heavy. reality is heavy.

being an idea is very light, very fun, very cute. people like ideas, or, more people surface-like ideas. ideas get attention more easily than real weighty people. it’s mostly not long-term attention but sometimes that’s easier.

i’m facing these truths about myself, lately.

but, yeah. i deny my own humanity & realness & as such fail to recognize the impact actual dani has on most people, because i don’t think of her as whole or significant or important enough to do so. she is a character in a story.

that is only about 15-20% as depressing as it sounds, just, being honest in therapy has made me very blunt. there is probably a more tempered way to express all that. nevertheless.

Anonymous asks: i just want to hear to say dirty words. i'm a child i know

elaborate? like what? dirty words are fun

  • Male author: I guess women are people
  • Fans: I CAN'T STOP CRYING, THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE!
popculturediedin2009:

A page from Anna Nicole Smith’s diary, 1992

i love her so much, the way i love amy winehouse & even the way i love amy fisher. broken girls who couldn’t handle it but understood/understand/knew/know

popculturediedin2009:

A page from Anna Nicole Smith’s diary, 1992

i love her so much, the way i love amy winehouse & even the way i love amy fisher. broken girls who couldn’t handle it but understood/understand/knew/know

i mention kathleen hanna in my okcupid profile and SO MANY boys message me referencing her in this way where it sometimes feels like they just think she’s cool & maybe wanted to fuck her during their formative years & idk, i didn’t think that at first, but they all have such a similar tone (or, frequently, and it’s those that give me pause) of: yeah, she’s really cool, lemme reference why i think so, lemme ask you why she’s problematic like it’s your job to answer me, etc.

& again, the first 10-15 times, it didn’t hit that way in my mind. it’s over time, as the pattern emerges, that i’m getting critical? idk.

i took some pretty cute drunken selfies last night, even in the sober light of the following day

today in therapy the most significant things that happened were

1. i more fully recognized how my grandmother’s likely childhood abuse connects to her monitoring/policing of how ‘old’ i looked from age 8-9 until i was in high school, and realized for the first time how that very likely connects to the food issues/eating disorder she gave me. i wasn’t overweight*, i was taller and larger than the other girls and that scared her.

*not that it would’ve been less gross on her part if i was, just, seeing the pathology so clearly adds levels of fucked-up

2. i at some point during the hour admitted to having feelings about my grandmother other than cold bitter judgement tinged with hatred. i think i got to ‘anger’ but if i remember next week i’m gonna mention ‘sadness’ and also how the anger is personal and how i’m incredibly angry and sad for little-kid me because she didn’t need to feel like that, and that is so tragic and makes me so angry i can’t handle it and that is probably one of the feelings i just avoid having, altogether. i probably need to mourn for her (little kid me) or, what do people do? what do people do with things like that besides let the sad-pain wash over them like numbness and then push it as far away as possible and do something else. absurd. hmmph. scoff.

SCOFF

Kitty is a big ridiculous mush

Kitty is a big ridiculous mush


maybebaby420:

Look at this lil fairy, I like him or her. U shall be the reason I smile today moth friend


maybebaby420
:

Look at this lil fairy, I like him or her. U shall be the reason I smile today moth friend

(Source: babyhorses1995)

lately i have been incredibly social compared to my usual self. it’s weird, not necessarily bad, but weird, and i am feeling burnout feelings coming on but want to push them back because, doing a lot is genuinely HEALTHY for me, if i can sustain it. if if. but so tonight i’m gonna spend cleaning and being chill and slowly slowly responding to stuff.

i also want to learn how to better manage social stuff. i’m kind of all over the place, and dropping things, and i want to be every good thing i’m capable of to everyone all the time, and when i feel i’ve failed i get stressed and avoidant. but that’s not a thing, so i feel the failure thing kind of a lot.

basically i tend to feel (irrationally) that once people see my actual flaws & genuine imperfections (vs. the ones i wear like a badge & thus control), like.. i stress out a lot about it. a lot a lot.

all that stuff could be it’s own post, but, yeah. anyways.

Anonymous asks: something about using capital I seems to formal to me for some reason

me too! really. i just, my netbook won’t connect to new internet and automatic I capitalizations are better for work emails & texts, & I’m so self-involved/self-referential that changing them all back is this huge chore. ‘cause autocorrect FIGHTS you on that shit. it might change just one, & I hate them not matching more than any of the rest of it. &, I’ll probably go back to fixing it tomorrow. I’m just sleepy.

oh and

by the motherfucking WAY, apple, I really really really really really hate how autocorrect gets damn near everything I mean but has never, not ONCE, not even with the tiniest most obvious of errors suggested that I might mean ‘abuse’ when I’ve typed it wrong. not ONCE. that is suspect as all hell and just, fuck.

if you’re a survivor of abuse, then whatever you can do to function in the world is a victory & you should be given consensual hugs and praise for it. for figuring out how to be a person after being actively treated like not one, for time. even if this person-being doesn’t look as right or as empowering or what-fucking-ever.

HUGE NOTE: if this person-being hurts or infringes on the humanity of others, it is wrong, you’re doing it wrong, no.

it’s not black and white but there are things.

and hey, I’m not mad, I’m just asserting myself. remembering myself. affirming myself. we all have to do that.

Anonymous asks: Read your reply on sexuality. I feel really sad that you objectify and dehumanize yourself. I think you're a very intelligent, quick witted, and good person. I know you don't like me personally (why I'm on anon) but I've always liked you. You're more then just a beautiful girl, you're very intelligent person. I hope you can come to terms with yourself and see that you are a person worth loving. I struggle with things too but you're not alone. Wishing you the best.

okay, see though. arf. tiny yippie dog bark. self-objectification isn’t the end if the world, & it doesn’t mean I don’t know I’m valuable and intelligent. I do know that. it’s a natural reaction to a world that offers very few other options. not *no* other options, but few. and they almost all suck, on some level. and tbh the emotional work to get past that shit, is not at the top of my list.

women and sexuality, that shit is fucking fraught and hard and you aren’t supposed to want things but you are supposed to be wanted and like, I’m not THERE, still. I’m in a place beyond that where I’m doing what I can to process the effect that that mindset has.

I make it work for me.

I find and have power within it.

being pretty being sexy being wanted, it feels good but much much more importantly than that it feels like something I can control. I almost want to make a video of me saying that, because it is so important, and made me tear up: it is something I can control.

I can feel sexual, and I can control it. actual tears, that is so important and so hard and so RARE. it is valuable. it is mine.

it is mine. my appearance is mine. I am mine, when I feel pretty. I know this is not an ideal source of power.

I know this is not considered an ideal source of control.

I know it is not accessible to everyone, and that is VERY VERY important and worth talking about. conventional attractiveness is a goddamned privilege. it is, it is.

but don’t feel *sad* for me, okay, please? feel happy for me that I found a way out of my head. that I found some way to enjoy these things where I can feel okay about it. there was a time when I wasn’t sure that would ever be true.

also, I don’t know of anyone I actively don’t like, or, ahh. there are probably people I’ve never met who like, reblog shit I don’t want reblogged, & that’ll bug me, but mostly I don’t remember those ppl as individuals & beyond that, like.. there are irl ppl I’m afraid of, but if I thought they had any positive feelings towards me, at all, that fear would dissipate. genuinely. & I doubt you are them, whoever you are.

so if you’re in any of those categories, i probably would like you fine under different circumstances than whatever you’re thinking of, & if you aren’t I can’t imagine I dislike you at all.

p.s. everyone, I’ve let autocorrect make all my I’s capitals bc I’ve been using just my phone for a while, & I’m tired of making them all lowercase for continuity’s sake. even though I do love continuity. ne’ertheless.

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