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advice blog

 of you

i should have just said it

i should have been honest

i should have taken responsibility for the distance i needed to create

i didn’t

instead of being upfront and dealing with the consequences i just hurt really loudly

i didn’t think to myself ‘okay dani let’s go be unkind and unfair now’ but i could feel that i was being those things

when you lash out emotionally you can feel that, and i could feel it and i did it anyway

i knew i would cause pain. and there were, there always are ways to be honest that aren’t like that. in fact they are much more honest, and they aren’t passive-aggressive and they aren’t manipulative and i didn’t choose them. i chose the ones that were. i chose to be hurtful, because i hurt.

i put responsibility for my emotions on you, and it was fucked up and wrong of me to do that.

i preface things by saying i’m not going to kill myself because i frequently seem like someone who might. i do it on tumblr because when i am unclear, i get worried messages from people who care about me and i don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. i do it in personal interactions because sometimes i don’t trust myself not to sound that way, ironically i say it because i really want it to be clear. because i’ve scared people in the past by not being clear. me saying i’m not going to kill myself isn’t a manipulative tactic. a lot of things i do and have done are manipulative. that just isn’t one of them and i, i’m going to make some posts next about the things that are. because i feel like i’m making excuses. really i’m trying to figure out what is true and real and what isn’t. i’m trying to figure out what was bad and what wasn’t, or, no. what i should have done differently vs. what i couldn’t have. where i could have and therefor should have made different choices vs. where there was really no way for me to know. because both are there. both are present.

it was a long time ago that i “wanted to be the most important person in your life”. i stopped wanting that, when it became clear that not just, not just that you didn’t want that but that just wasn’t who you were. isn’t who you are. whatever. and i said that. i told you that. i guess maybe you think i was lying but oddly enough, i wasn’t even lying to myself about that one. i really did, it didn’t even hurt to let that one go. other things hurt. and right now i don’t know what is right and what is wrong and if i’m crazy or not or how much or any of it. i just know this much and i wanted to get it out. i’m talking to a ‘you’ because it makes the thoughts come out but the only reason i am letting myself do it is because ‘you’ aren’t going to see this anymore. why is that freeing. it’s so sad that that is freeing.

don’t let people have pieces of you just because they want them. don’t let people pick and choose pieces of you that can’t be separated from the others. yes there are some things that, there are things that can be separated but there are also things that can’t be. don’t let peope open you up and tell you it’s safe to let go when there are pieces of you they don’t want and you know you’re not built that way. if you say but it’s not safe, and they say they want you to feel like it is, don’t just try to feel like it is. don’t ignore your instincts.

if every time you end up crying hysterically saying you don’t know if you can do this (the response is always that it’s your choice but clearly, that would be a sad choice, the weak choice, the disappointing choice) you tell no one because you’re too ashamed at how unloveable you are? that’s bad.

if when you’re crying you usually say that you don’t leave, it’s never you that leaves, you can’t and you never have and you don’t fully understand why, beyond your debilitating fear of abandonment, if you say that a lot through tears, that means something. don’t ignore that.

maybe be careful about trusting people who go out of their way to get you to trust them.

like, wow. i think this is the kind of thing i’ve been waiting for but i couldn’t ask for it because i can’t court rejection because i’m insane. i feel relief. i can say true things and like i’m crying because i can say how i actually feel and i don’t have to fight myself to make feelings come out true but not too true.

i feel like a failed experiment. i am a failed experiment!!! yelling because i can say that kind of thing now. i feel like i was told a lot of things that slowly subtly stopped being true, and i was expected to be deep-down okay. or who the fuck knows what anyone expected, there was nothing specific to expect! but i was never okay. i was never really okay i just tried really hard to be. i tried to force the square peg into the round hole but i was never okay. i was heartbroken all the time. i lied to myself all the time. that’s the thing. i am someone who, security and love are really important to me. i don’t leave and i don’t, if someone i care about wants me to be close to them i cannot, my kind of brokenness means i can’t not. but i was never ‘okay’. not for a second. holy shit.

i tried!! and i have never been sadder than i am now. never been worse off emotionally. never been this broken, this out of warmth and compassion and hope and soul and self. never before. i’m a bitter empty thing now and i guess that’s what happens when you lie to yourself.

back when my friends were worried about *me*, i didn’t listen. i created a front that was ‘okay’. i forced myself to be ‘okay’ because i wanted to be happy. fool! ridiculous little fool! if someone tells you things that don’t make sense to you you don’t just hope they will. if you don’t understand what good you are to someone or why they want you in their life and they won’t tell you and when they try to tell you it doesn’t make any sense to you then maybe you are on your way to being a failed experiment and maybe you should stop now, not months later when your whole life is gone.

i was on my way to having a life that i built for myself. i began to push the people around me away when i realized i didn’t want them to see how broken i felt. how rejected and sad. this was maybe late november early december.

and i had to pretend to be fine.

can’t let people in if you’re pretending to be okay all the time.

if people want you further away let them do it but don’t let them have the pieces of you they still find acceptable if it kills you to try and give them. value yourself. i probably won’t, still, life is heartbreaking i wish i was dead, etc.

i really believe i am a failed experiment. and that will never matter. everything i was afraid of happened, and i’ll always look crazy for having been afraid.

i’m the crazy girl, remember!!!!!!!!! crazy girls emotions are weapons and we are to be feared and our emotions are not to be trusted and our inability to articulate our experiences with cold casual distance is a clear sign that we are not to be believed.

now i can say true things i guess

i thought nothing i did mattered and i’m thinking i’ve maybe fixed it so that’s much closer to true. not so true i’m void of responsibility, but just enough so that i am a self-fulfilling prophecy who ruins things, etc.



i went to rehab with an ex trophy wife who used to pray to saint Anthony to find veins 

a year later and exactly we arrive in the same treatment center and we’re both faking smiles with thinning hair and trembling limbs

are you ever playing a hello kitty themed coin drop game at five in the morning when you have the revelation that you are so afraid of not being loved that you render yourself unloveable

are you ever playing a hello kitty themed coin drop game at five in the morning when you have the revelation that you are so afraid of not being loved that you render yourself unloveable

i am better at this or different at this when i’m, i call it sad but when i say sad in this long term state of mind change everything is nothing i’m an empty box kind of way i mean i guess depression, except i’m always depressed? so i think of it as there are times when i’m happy and alive and then there’s the rest of the time. i mean if you think of it in terms of my whole life most of it is like this. cold and empty. but so, lately it’s the rest of the time and i call that sad.

everything looks different when i feel alive. happy and alive are the same thing, somehow. i don’t think happy means what i think it means. my brain changes, times like now. things that made no sense before make sense again. bad things. things about disconnect and hopelessness and numbness make this sense, like i’ve known them forever but also just learned them at the same time. it’s new because being alive made it so i couldn’t remember but it’s not new because i’ve known it all before. i remember. it’s familiar.

and now i’m not alive. i know it’s possible to be alive again but until that happens if it does like, it doesn’t matter if or when it does because everything is so bleak between then and now. it’s like you’re drowning but you don’t die, and eventually theoretically you’re going to stop drowning but it’s not like that’s something you can focus on because things like drowning feel endless, no matter how long they last and they are all-consuming.

if you’re drowning your brain will ONLY let you think about drowning, you know?

it’s like that.

obviously i am trapped in my head, sentences like this are the closest i get to surfacing i don’t like it in here i don’t want to be in here anymore it’s not a good place


when I’m sad, no one wants anything to do with me. the only good me is the me that’s not in pain. I wanna turn off the sad me, but I’m helpless. No one wants a sad girl, no one needs her, I don’t need her. but someone who is helpless is..helpless.

Edit: no one wants a girl with any emotions besides good ones ever

when you have excessively nothing to do you can try on outfits and put on makeup for the sole purpose of taking pictures of yourself even if your hair is really dirty and you’re sad

especially then, bc you need something to focus on


not killing myself is a personal achievement but you cant really brag about that at dinner parties

(Source: cervicks)

fiona apple - never is a promise (live)

fiona apple - never is a promise