the a train is one of the strangest trains, if you think about it. it comes from so far away and it goes so far away, it’s strange if you think about it. the whole world is so strange and far apart, it’s so sad. it’s so sad when things are far apart.
this was a good night, it was and that can’t be changed and won’t be changed. but i drank the last of the wine i had from before no money, once i was by myself on the train. so i’m unable to ignore the sadness of everything in my life or pretend that it’s any other way.
i would enjoy murdering personified versions of every emotion i’ve ever felt, one by one. or, just the good ones. slowly. life is pain. how many times will i have to learn this.
my mother turned off my cell phone service as a result of our conversation earlier. i’m not.. i don’t feel entitled to it, nor am i mad because it’s a privilege that she pays for it at all. a favor basically. and if she stops for good, i understand. i’ll live. it’s upsetting because she keeps claiming to want a relationship, and in the past i’ve worried more about phone stuff so this is a clear “shot”.
i sent her an email explaining that if she wants an actual healthy relationship, that it’s not about retaliatory actions and that i’m not trying to hurt her or push her away or whatever. i would rather it just get through to her but i doubt it will, tbh.
also fyi everyone, i have no phone. or, phone service. i have a device that could receive phone calls theoretically, but won’t for now. so.
when your mother refuses to stop texting you when you ask (in a given conversation, and asking by being clear that you need to stop getting these texts right now) and says ‘fuck that’ when you say you need people to respect your boundaries and you stop wondering where you get it from and just, life is shit
so much bad so fast is making me feel like my reality is broken. like i’m not in active despair mode but it’s because my mind checked me out, and now everything is surreal and far away. i’m only present like 25% of the time. i’m not worried about surviving it, it would be a long time before i worried about that. i’m worried about what will be left after i do. certain moments i feel like i’m pulling back layers and finding deeper ones, but mostly i feel like i’m dissolving.
managing my emotions
sticking to a self-created structure
confronting problems as they come up (this is vital for my survival, i think. because if i avoid once, it only gets increasingly difficult. however i also must recognize that my confronting problems relies only on me, and i can only control what i do, not what anyone else does)
“Four months. “It feels longer,” he told her, not looking at her. “But it feels real. I wanted—I needed—to find a place to belong. A home. A family. But there are some days I wake up, and I see the signal fires burning, and I see the smoke of bigger fires, and I hear the bells ringing—and I hear them stop—and I know, I mean, I know it can’t last. This,” he added, again waving his hand around the room in a circle. “And sometimes, when I know it, I’m afraid to want it too badly because if I want it, something will take it away.” It was hard to say the words out loud.
Hard to hear them. But Jay had asked.
“Duster’s more afraid of that than I will ever be. And when Duster’s afraid something bad will happen, she tries to make something bad happen, because then it’ll be over. The worst will have happened. She’ll have something to face down or fight.”
Excerpt From: West, Michelle. “Michelle West - House War 02 - City of Night.”
serious question: how do you frame getting fired for fucking up at your job in a way where people might actually want to hire you? or do i claim to have been doing freelance work, and try and recruit references super quick? there’s a company looking for catsitters in brooklyn very near me and i know for a fact i’d be great at it, i was great at my job already, besides being a fuckup. i would love to be able to convey that somehow while also not highlighting my fuckup status. not sure if there is a way. 😐
cat sitter for hire i’m wonderfully magically good with cats but so depressed/emotionally broken that i can barely function and sometimes have panic/emotion attacks that derail me for the better part of an hour and i am unemployable, help
so TERF was a term that was obviously coined by trans women and a lot of people know it as meaning “trans exclusionary radical feminist” (and i did too until just recently) but it originally stood for “trans exterminatory radical feminist” and TERFs changed the meaning of it to make it sound less horrible
so in case you needed more reason to hate TERFs there you go have some blatant silencing of trans women