put on whatever night vale episode you were up to in re-listening
rest eyes for 45 mins
ice cream cone? ice cream coneeeee
I feel the need to explain my ask... I almost didn't include the sane part cause it did feel like an odd challenge. the whole comment feels like it came from trying to fit you into a preconceived box. it was odd... but I really wanted to say you underestimate your emotional impact. I think I do this myself a lot. I'm always shocked when people call me a friend or tell stories about me with a lot of emotion. In my case I'm a stoic person but I wonder why you'd think you don't have that impact.
for me it’s because i’m so, i don’t feel like a real person a lot of the time. i’m the lead actress in a movie called ‘dani: a very cute & temporarily entertaining broken girl, based on a true story’
the true story is mine but i’m not ever fully living my own truth. i’m playing at the idea of me.
now what i *know* i don’t realize is that more of actual me is visible, than i generally think. people see and value the real me it’s just that i don’t, so i completely miss when they do & have a very hard time believing it. it feels so heavy. reality is heavy.
being an idea is very light, very fun, very cute. people like ideas, or, more people surface-like ideas. ideas get attention more easily than real weighty people. it’s mostly not long-term attention but sometimes that’s easier.
i’m facing these truths about myself, lately.
but, yeah. i deny my own humanity & realness & as such fail to recognize the impact actual dani has on most people, because i don’t think of her as whole or significant or important enough to do so. she is a character in a story.
that is only about 15-20% as depressing as it sounds, just, being honest in therapy has made me very blunt. there is probably a more tempered way to express all that. nevertheless.
i mention kathleen hanna in my okcupid profile and SO MANY boys message me referencing her in this way where it sometimes feels like they just think she’s cool & maybe wanted to fuck her during their formative years & idk, i didn’t think that at first, but they all have such a similar tone (or, frequently, and it’s those that give me pause) of: yeah, she’s really cool, lemme reference why i think so, lemme ask you why she’s problematic like it’s your job to answer me, etc.
& again, the first 10-15 times, it didn’t hit that way in my mind. it’s over time, as the pattern emerges, that i’m getting critical? idk.
today in therapy the most significant things that happened were
1. i more fully recognized how my grandmother’s likely childhood abuse connects to her monitoring/policing of how ‘old’ i looked from age 8-9 until i was in high school, and realized for the first time how that very likely connects to the food issues/eating disorder she gave me. i wasn’t overweight*, i was taller and larger than the other girls and that scared her.
*not that it would’ve been less gross on her part if i was, just, seeing the pathology so clearly adds levels of fucked-up
2. i at some point during the hour admitted to having feelings about my grandmother other than cold bitter judgement tinged with hatred. i think i got to ‘anger’ but if i remember next week i’m gonna mention ‘sadness’ and also how the anger is personal and how i’m incredibly angry and sad for little-kid me because she didn’t need to feel like that, and that is so tragic and makes me so angry i can’t handle it and that is probably one of the feelings i just avoid having, altogether. i probably need to mourn for her (little kid me) or, what do people do? what do people do with things like that besides let the sad-pain wash over them like numbness and then push it as far away as possible and do something else. absurd. hmmph. scoff.
lately i have been incredibly social compared to my usual self. it’s weird, not necessarily bad, but weird, and i am feeling burnout feelings coming on but want to push them back because, doing a lot is genuinely HEALTHY for me, if i can sustain it. if if. but so tonight i’m gonna spend cleaning and being chill and slowly slowly responding to stuff.
i also want to learn how to better manage social stuff. i’m kind of all over the place, and dropping things, and i want to be every good thing i’m capable of to everyone all the time, and when i feel i’ve failed i get stressed and avoidant. but that’s not a thing, so i feel the failure thing kind of a lot.
basically i tend to feel (irrationally) that once people see my actual flaws & genuine imperfections (vs. the ones i wear like a badge & thus control), like.. i stress out a lot about it. a lot a lot.
all that stuff could be it’s own post, but, yeah. anyways.
something about using capital I seems to formal to me for some reason
me too! really. i just, my netbook won’t connect to new internet and automatic I capitalizations are better for work emails & texts, & I’m so self-involved/self-referential that changing them all back is this huge chore. ‘cause autocorrect FIGHTS you on that shit. it might change just one, & I hate them not matching more than any of the rest of it. &, I’ll probably go back to fixing it tomorrow. I’m just sleepy.
by the motherfucking WAY, apple, I really really really really really hate how autocorrect gets damn near everything I mean but has never, not ONCE, not even with the tiniest most obvious of errors suggested that I might mean ‘abuse’ when I’ve typed it wrong. not ONCE. that is suspect as all hell and just, fuck.
if you’re a survivor of abuse, then whatever you can do to function in the world is a victory & you should be given consensual hugs and praise for it. for figuring out how to be a person after being actively treated like not one, for time. even if this person-being doesn’t look as right or as empowering or what-fucking-ever.
HUGE NOTE: if this person-being hurts or infringes on the humanity of others, it is wrong, you’re doing it wrong, no.
it’s not black and white but there are things.
and hey, I’m not mad, I’m just asserting myself. remembering myself. affirming myself. we all have to do that.
Read your reply on sexuality. I feel really sad that you objectify and dehumanize yourself. I think you're a very intelligent, quick witted, and good person. I know you don't like me personally (why I'm on anon) but I've always liked you. You're more then just a beautiful girl, you're very intelligent person. I hope you can come to terms with yourself and see that you are a person worth loving. I struggle with things too but you're not alone. Wishing you the best.
okay, see though. arf. tiny yippie dog bark. self-objectification isn’t the end if the world, & it doesn’t mean I don’t know I’m valuable and intelligent. I do know that. it’s a natural reaction to a world that offers very few other options. not *no* other options, but few. and they almost all suck, on some level. and tbh the emotional work to get past that shit, is not at the top of my list.
women and sexuality, that shit is fucking fraught and hard and you aren’t supposed to want things but you are supposed to be wanted and like, I’m not THERE, still. I’m in a place beyond that where I’m doing what I can to process the effect that that mindset has.
I make it work for me.
I find and have power within it.
being pretty being sexy being wanted, it feels good but much much more importantly than that it feels like something I can control. I almost want to make a video of me saying that, because it is so important, and made me tear up: it is something I can control.
I can feel sexual, and I can control it. actual tears, that is so important and so hard and so RARE. it is valuable. it is mine.
it is mine. my appearance is mine. I am mine, when I feel pretty. I know this is not an ideal source of power.
I know this is not considered an ideal source of control.
I know it is not accessible to everyone, and that is VERY VERY important and worth talking about. conventional attractiveness is a goddamned privilege. it is, it is.
but don’t feel *sad* for me, okay, please? feel happy for me that I found a way out of my head. that I found some way to enjoy these things where I can feel okay about it. there was a time when I wasn’t sure that would ever be true.
also, I don’t know of anyone I actively don’t like, or, ahh. there are probably people I’ve never met who like, reblog shit I don’t want reblogged, & that’ll bug me, but mostly I don’t remember those ppl as individuals & beyond that, like.. there are irl ppl I’m afraid of, but if I thought they had any positive feelings towards me, at all, that fear would dissipate. genuinely. & I doubt you are them, whoever you are.
so if you’re in any of those categories, i probably would like you fine under different circumstances than whatever you’re thinking of, & if you aren’t I can’t imagine I dislike you at all.
p.s. everyone, I’ve let autocorrect make all my I’s capitals bc I’ve been using just my phone for a while, & I’m tired of making them all lowercase for continuity’s sake. even though I do love continuity. ne’ertheless.
Fun fact: this tumblr is an outpost of my ‘long form’ blog, where I (now infrequently) post personal essay-type jams about how exclusive and fucked up punk is. For example:
"The reality is that punk, which can be and has been a gratifying, liberating thing shared by a supportive community, is also a collection of relationships and networks that are alarmingly delicate, often involving people who are shockingly insensitive, if not willfully bigoted. When you go just beyond your immediate circle, you’re liable to run right into a wall of violent, jeering, reactionary douchebags — and that’s when you can get beyond your own circle, without being derailed by some interpersonal debacle that somehow reveals that a person or persons super close to you are harboring destructive ideas about trans people, or people of color, or women, or queer and gender queer people, or about intersectionality, privilege, and marginalization, and what those words actually mean."
Just posted the thing I wrote for the reading I did a couple weeks ago to my ‘profesh blog’. For all my fellow critical folks who are struggling with being marginalized and aren’t sure how or if they can identify with ‘punk’ or other subcultures right now.
i was lucky enough to be at the aforementioned reading, & then, & every time i’ve read this over since i feel saner for having done so, which is i think what happens when people talk about things that are really important but aren’t talked about nearly enough. Jamie also happens to do that really fucking well, so it’s both objectively a good idea + very much worth your while to read it, too.
I go from loving you to hating you to wanting to protect you to wanting to fuck you to picturing you in a meadow singing to docile animals to seeing you in a gutter singing to someones puke. You're definitely the saner one here.
all i have are a few thoughts like that in a “who’s less sane” contest there are no winners.
and that i should be concerned or upset here but i mostly feel empathy combined with bewilderment. the empathy is like, i feel you on the not-sane thoughts in general. i do.
the bewilderment is bc i don’t think of myself as able to have that level of emotional impact, most of the time. there are a lot of reasons for this, but.
but so my brain reads this almost as something not real or disconnected from ‘me’ or, it tries to and then i tell it to stop and it does and then we are confused and, repeat cycle
So I've been following your blog for maybe a few years. I hope you forgive my observation, but you seem very obsessed with the female figure, cuteness, and girlishness to a fetishistic point. I hope you don't mind but would you share some of the reasons why? Have you ever questioned you're gender preferences, like do you find women physically attractive? Just pondering. Sorry if this is a bit touchy.
no, it’s okay. this is a thing i think about a lot bc, i definitely have that. that’s a pretty fair assessment. a lot of it of course is about my own self, & how like.. for many girls & women (i won’t say ‘all’ bc maybe some people have escaped or overcome it, but a whole lot) sexuality isn’t about wanting as much as it’s about being wanted. we are taught to see our bodies as objects and specifically sexual objects, as early as possible.
so i see women’s bodies as sexual, inherently, in a way that goes before and beyond what i am and am not attracted to. & i relate it back to myself - like about a given image, i’m thinking, i want to be that.
i definitely feel attraction to men that is about wanting (vs. being wanted) but that is.. like it shouldn’t be secondary to the ‘being wanted’ feeling, but it frequently is. and it starts out very quiet but in relationships, over time and after trust is built, it surfaces more and more.
and the thing is i think the only reason i can access it AT ALL is because i don’t have the emotional & psychological baggage with men that i do with women. men objectify you, i learned a long time ago how to live with that in my head. i objectify me, too! men frequently don’t realize you’re a person - i deal with this by only ever talking to or engaging positively with men who clearly display awareness of these things. i set the bar high, i test, i do not tolerate, i spook easily.
i can keep my distance until i feel safe, i can navigate. i can handle. i know how to have power.
whatever it is, the kinds of relationships i have with men allow me to feel sexual and feel emotionally safe in feeling that. probably i built it that way.
the kinds of relationships i have/am trying to have & build with women don’t allow for that, i think. i haven’t examined it this deeply until now but, yeah. and i’m trying to figure out exactly why but there’s so much potential ‘why’ and i’m having trouble finding the common thread.
a big thing is that women generally see me as me, actual me, a person. without the same distance. or, the women i have in my life/feel safe with & close to, do. like that first, as opposed to *also*. i’ve only just gotten to a place in my life where i can let *anyone* do that (see actual me), right off the bat. with men i let it happen over time, and i used to not be able to do it with women at all.
but so, i think wanting-attraction i would feel towards women (which i actually do think is in there, for a lot of complex reasons that would take up another giant text post) isn’t currently accessible.
i’m now at a point w/this in my head where i haven’t examined it well at all before & thus can’t communicate half so effectively but so, i hope this provides at least some insight.
it definitely has to do with how as it stands, i have to keep myself in pieces and sections in order to live & function. but see, this is a new idea to me. i will ramble & need more thought. anyways.
you're very strong n smart n soft n bursting with light and i always enjoy reading what you have to say. i'll make sure to see you often when i move to ny if you're still around. i have a vivid memory of us at the toys r us in times square and you remembering to take your adderall
alyyyyyyy holy shit i am actually tearing up bc i was just writing you a message too, that i feel such affection & warmth for you & admire a lot of things about you & then some kind of disclaimer about how i probably sounded silly but i feel less as such now?
& like really really yes please! i will very likely be around, sometimes i drama-queen abt leaving ny but i actually love it & even if i ever did leave, it’d just be to get it out of the way so i could come back & not have only ever lived one place.
i have super vivid memories of that day too, omg. i had just started leaving my house & being a person & like, that was such a cool/good/formative day for me. i remember us comparing hair thickness, & also when we were all at mcdonalds w/various alcohol, & i think i still have the video from that somewhere?
also also i’m publishing this ‘cause i like documenting positive things i wanna remember & like, yeah. but also you should text me/we should talk in general, that would be fun & good.
so i looked up this song on youtube, couldn’t find an original but saw fall out boy had covered it & thought that was hilarious and awesome in equal measure & was gonna post that but then listened to it & now feel they’ve butchered it irreparably &, i’m just gonna fucking REBLOG the proper version because, no one but elton john is elton john, you know?
recognizing and confronting your own pain and asking for help when you need it is infinitely better than suffering loudly with your head in the sand, subconsciously hoping someone notices. i haven’t done the latter in a while but it’s good to write out & remind myself of nevertheless.