i'm on the lirr and i wrote this out to post on facebook and it was gonna end with me both thanking friends for patience & asking friends to reach out to me when possible over this month 'cause i'm really gonna need it, and then i got to the last paragraph that i got to & realized i was definitely gonna chicken out. here mostly for personal reference.
so it looks like I’m stuck on LI this month while I get my shit together. which sucks & I have very clearly had a lot of depression feelings about it but, it’s okay. sometimes things are hard but it doesn’t mean you have nothing, and it’s not ideal but it’s fine.
I know I get very, what probably seems like dramatic, for someone with a roof over her head and friends who love her. it’s mostly about fear, for me, because my mental health is never really truly stable and my ability to keep it in check is absolutely the single key to my survival. I know, and anyone who knows me knows, I’m really smart and capable and competent. and I have a lot of practical support available to me, more than I need, and I always have.
I’m not yet ready to fully own and confront and face down any one comprehensive diagnosis, half because of personal feelings and half because the associations with my one comprehensive diagnosis are beyond what I can push through, yet. that means I keep making vague references to “my mental health” and that combined with my tendency towards drama means I come off like this vague, unhelpable mess.
also also i know i won’t shut up abt this but i only just got to a place where i can even respond to it, i used to just delete that kinda stuff & feel icky or not delete it & feel icky? depending on the day and how i felt. and sometimes now that i have the little shreds of self that let me kinda bs about it for a bit, it can help to really dig into that. yeah. it’s silly, but.
and also okay just to keep being really self-involved (like lol what else do i do on here/ever/i suck/lol) it’s a shame bc i mean, like every time i fucking menstruate i spend at least 2 days looking in the mirror and going “god damn,” and i take a lot of pictures that look great and like i know from posting pictures of yourself and ratios of validation to harassment and have assessed the ups and downs and there is a clear line where it’s not worth it anymore, at least for me, there’s like a huge jump in gross shit from dudes with certain things and i just don’t have the emotional capacity for it and, it’s a shame. i wish i did. it’d be fun. men are disgusting, the world is frequently disgusting, etc.
also like yeah, I KNOW, i have mirrors and pictures and can look down and they’re attached to my chest, so i am very aware!! i’ve had legit roughly 18 years to make that assessment (puberty: it doesn’t care if you’re 8) & just, i concur.
so if you’re looking to spread the word, i am a silly place to start. my tits are nice. i know!!! maybe start with ppl who’ve never met or seen me, because they would be overall the most unaware? your current approach shows a lack of planning & forethought, ngl, & i am here to help
an anonymous message on tumblr is basically like a random stranger coming up to you and saying something. it could even be like you’re reading something or just emoting loudly in a public place, and a random stranger who happened to notice comes by and says something. which, that can be so totally fine, and even good! random people sometimes say some interesting, kind, and great things.
this is not that, though.
would you go up to a girl who doesn’t know you and who let’s be real, you don’t know, and tell her “nice tits”? if you would that’s a problem and if you wouldn’t you need to stop thinking this is different, ‘cause it’s not.
it’s only a reflection on where i am and my mental illness, that i’m like this. i can count the times i got out of bed today on one hand. i peed twice, and went downstairs once after my mother went to sleep. i had a can of vegan split pea soup in a plastic bag next to me on the bed and a bottle of seltzer and so i ate that and didn’t need to get up, except to pee. i didn’t see this emotional state coming, so i didn’t prepare.
because i didn’t prepare, it blindsided me, and kind of knocked the wind out of me.
it’s only a reflection on my mental illness, and on a streak of less than fantastic luck. that’s all. i was never very very strong. not that i’m so weak, i’m just not that great in that way. that’s all. it’s just bad. i’m just scared. and trapped, but only mostly but also SO MUCH, it’s hard to explain.
i slept until 5pm today and am gonna sleep again within the hour, and it feels kinda like being not fully alive, but today i tried to accomplish things and even though one of those things was a sitting/laying down shower (in the middle i got sad and lightheaded and had to lay down, but recovered) it could’ve been worse? everything can always be worse, danielle, my mother used to say. never say it can’t get worse, because it can ALWAYS be worse and that is one of the truest things she ever told me.
i forgot that i don’t know how to be a person in this house, while i’m here i’m not a person and i forgot and now i remember i’m not a person as long as i’m here i’m not real i’m not anything, how do you escape when you aren’t anything how how i can’t remember and it took me years to figure it out before please god i don’t have more years to give to nothing i am so scared
i don’t know how to explain it right, this is not the same person that she was, she is gone this thing can’t do what she could it isn’t the same and i don’t know how to explain it, she would be able to, but i can’t
iiiiiiii can’t. she and i are not the same. she’s gone, and i miss her and i didn’t know i was going to kill her by coming back here, i forgot because i’m stupid and lazy and complacent
and not because i’ve left reality, it’s not the same.
part of why i’m doing so badly is because i’m fighting really hard to stay in reality, and i’m losing and i can feel it so i fight more and but, reality is constant pain. i am not exaggerating. if i’m not distracting myself while i’m here, it starts. emotional pain. which is like, it’s hard to describe it as a constant, but it’s like, anytime i pause or that moment when the screen is blank between the show and the first commercial or anything like that, i get waves of anxiety & nausea. if i don’t distract with something else, i end up crying. that also doesn’t stop. i feel weak and stupid because even i only half understand what’s so bad that i can’t be okay anymore.
i might read the shy little kitten as cute as i can to a video maybe after i dry my hair, i read it really cute & i love/am the shy little kitten & &, idk for sure still i might get sleepy but i want to