like, actual sad. not just rejection sad. like, feelings sad. this is remarkable. it is irritating. it is probably a good thing either way but i just, fuck. it’s like that scene in an episode of buffy that i now forget but, cordelia complains about having serious thoughts now. it’s kinda like that, and it could be good or it could end up being sad and i DON’T KNOW right now and that is fucking with me and i have gone to great lengths to avoid feeling like this and now here i am and that gets me just a little bit which i also kind of like? and i hate me as a concept right now, like not actual me, i don’t hate dani, i love her she’s cute and kind and very smart and she loves things a lot but i do hate the like concept-character i am right now of ‘emotionally stunted person feeling disgruntled because person made them have feelings, appears charming in media but may just be offputting irl’
and i am not really bad. i just, ARGH. i am obsessing over my actions and choices and in my eagerness to not let people hurt me anymore i feel like i could have been much more together but was not because if we don’t go out of our way, then it’s harder to hurt us but right now, i’m like.. fuck that, but it’s too late, and i still DON’T KNOW so i am obsessing.
i am insane.