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like, actual sad. not just rejection sad. like, feelings sad. this is remarkable. it is irritating. it is probably a good thing either way but i just, fuck. it’s like that scene in an episode of buffy that i now forget but, cordelia complains about having serious thoughts now. it’s kinda like that, and it could be good or it could end up being sad and i DON’T KNOW right now and that is fucking with me and i have gone to great lengths to avoid feeling like this and now here i am and that gets me just a little bit which i also kind of like? and i hate me as a concept right now, like not actual me, i don’t hate dani, i love her she’s cute and kind and very smart and she loves things a lot but i do hate the like concept-character i am right now of ‘emotionally stunted person feeling disgruntled because person made them have feelings, appears charming in media but may just be offputting irl’

and i am not really bad. i just, ARGH. i am obsessing over my actions and choices and in my eagerness to not let people hurt me anymore i feel like i could have been much more together but was not because if we don’t go out of our way, then it’s harder to hurt us but right now, i’m like.. fuck that, but it’s too late, and i still DON’T KNOW so i am obsessing.

i am insane.

i am actually so tired of just being an idea

and so refreshed by the idea of being a person that i could cry

and but, i’m gonna be so sad if i’m wrong in what i’m hoping i’m not wrong about, and i’m kinda mad anyway because i’m reminded of what feeling is like and i can’t/don’t want to even write much because it is very possible to find this blog with reverse google image searching and so yeah but also, fuck.

adult-mag:

Read it.
When she wears ‘The Naked Dress’ to her first date with Big, she knows what she’s doing. When she apologizes to Big’s scandalized ex-wife, her outfit—a Galliano newsprint slip—is less outfit than Brechtian subtitle. Carrie always seemed like an old-school Artist to me: a Homeric poet writing her own masterpiece with clothes, but never outside the strictures of Form. Her choices outstrip their occasions. Sometimes she is successful, sometimes she is not—but she always tries. That’s one of the reasons I love Carrie.

Hari Nef, “Clothes & Class: For Feeling Like You Have A Purpose,” on Adult (via adult-mag)

Yes

(via plantaplanta)

when you have actual feelings but also are terrified/pretty sure your exhaustion + anxiety might have made you seem useless and insane

and you have no phone and can’t check responses to things the vast majority of the time and are feeling pretty useless and insane, anyway

extremely frustrated puppycat noise

yousaytheydontcare:

pros: last night and this morning were extremely nice/good/similar adjectives, i ordered myself indian food and it is en route, i have not jeopardized my job in any way, my phone was insured

cons: my phone is gone, i am mourning the loss of the images & texts & memories in general, i am very tired

additional pro: i hugged a purring, chirpy cat named Sophie today for a long time, because Sophie and i both really like hugs

pros: last night and this morning were extremely nice/good/similar adjectives, i ordered myself indian food and it is en route, i have not jeopardized my job in any way, my phone was insured

cons: my phone is gone, i am mourning the loss of the images & texts & memories in general, i am very tired

(Source: alessandradite)

tonight is nice and weird and nice i got to buy Ev dinner like a whole human who can take care of other people and not only be cared for and it was really nice and good. we do better each time.

& now i’m about to very randomly go on an okcupid date & i’m like, saying yes to life or some shit it sounds all greeting card happy but it feels weird but okay but weird?

is that everything, anyway? maybe.

set alarm
put on whatever night vale episode you were up to in re-listening
rest eyes for 45 mins
get up
clothes
clean
cat
ice cream cone? ice cream coneeeee
psych appointment
adderall (fill)
home
shower
hair
clean

autumn-fhtagn:

If you don’t think different shapes of pasta taste differently you can fuck off

they hold the sauce differently, so yes, they do

(Source: marxvx)

Anonymous asks: I feel the need to explain my ask... I almost didn't include the sane part cause it did feel like an odd challenge. the whole comment feels like it came from trying to fit you into a preconceived box. it was odd... but I really wanted to say you underestimate your emotional impact. I think I do this myself a lot. I'm always shocked when people call me a friend or tell stories about me with a lot of emotion. In my case I'm a stoic person but I wonder why you'd think you don't have that impact.

for me it’s because i’m so, i don’t feel like a real person a lot of the time. i’m the lead actress in a movie called ‘dani: a very cute & temporarily entertaining broken girl, based on a true story’

the true story is mine but i’m not ever fully living my own truth. i’m playing at the idea of me.

now what i *know* i don’t realize is that more of actual me is visible, than i generally think. people see and value the real me it’s just that i don’t, so i completely miss when they do & have a very hard time believing it. it feels so heavy. reality is heavy.

being an idea is very light, very fun, very cute. people like ideas, or, more people surface-like ideas. ideas get attention more easily than real weighty people. it’s mostly not long-term attention but sometimes that’s easier.

i’m facing these truths about myself, lately.

but, yeah. i deny my own humanity & realness & as such fail to recognize the impact actual dani has on most people, because i don’t think of her as whole or significant or important enough to do so. she is a character in a story.

that is only about 15-20% as depressing as it sounds, just, being honest in therapy has made me very blunt. there is probably a more tempered way to express all that. nevertheless.

Anonymous asks: i just want to hear to say dirty words. i'm a child i know

elaborate? like what? dirty words are fun

  • Male author: I guess women are people
  • Fans: I CAN'T STOP CRYING, THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE!