does anyone wanna hear me say or sing something? I’m feeling like that.
me too! really. i just, my netbook won’t connect to new internet and automatic I capitalizations are better for work emails & texts, & I’m so self-involved/self-referential that changing them all back is this huge chore. ‘cause autocorrect FIGHTS you on that shit. it might change just one, & I hate them not matching more than any of the rest of it. &, I’ll probably go back to fixing it tomorrow. I’m just sleepy.
by the motherfucking WAY, apple, I really really really really really hate how autocorrect gets damn near everything I mean but has never, not ONCE, not even with the tiniest most obvious of errors suggested that I might mean ‘abuse’ when I’ve typed it wrong. not ONCE. that is suspect as all hell and just, fuck.
if you’re a survivor of abuse, then whatever you can do to function in the world is a victory & you should be given consensual hugs and praise for it. for figuring out how to be a person after being actively treated like not one, for time. even if this person-being doesn’t look as right or as empowering or what-fucking-ever.
HUGE NOTE: if this person-being hurts or infringes on the humanity of others, it is wrong, you’re doing it wrong, no.
it’s not black and white but there are things.
and hey, I’m not mad, I’m just asserting myself. remembering myself. affirming myself. we all have to do that.
okay, see though. arf. tiny yippie dog bark. self-objectification isn’t the end if the world, & it doesn’t mean I don’t know I’m valuable and intelligent. I do know that. it’s a natural reaction to a world that offers very few other options. not *no* other options, but few. and they almost all suck, on some level. and tbh the emotional work to get past that shit, is not at the top of my list.
women and sexuality, that shit is fucking fraught and hard and you aren’t supposed to want things but you are supposed to be wanted and like, I’m not THERE, still. I’m in a place beyond that where I’m doing what I can to process the effect that that mindset has.
I make it work for me.
I find and have power within it.
being pretty being sexy being wanted, it feels good but much much more importantly than that it feels like something I can control. I almost want to make a video of me saying that, because it is so important, and made me tear up: it is something I can control.
I can feel sexual, and I can control it. actual tears, that is so important and so hard and so RARE. it is valuable. it is mine.
it is mine. my appearance is mine. I am mine, when I feel pretty. I know this is not an ideal source of power.
I know this is not considered an ideal source of control.
I know it is not accessible to everyone, and that is VERY VERY important and worth talking about. conventional attractiveness is a goddamned privilege. it is, it is.
but don’t feel *sad* for me, okay, please? feel happy for me that I found a way out of my head. that I found some way to enjoy these things where I can feel okay about it. there was a time when I wasn’t sure that would ever be true.
also, I don’t know of anyone I actively don’t like, or, ahh. there are probably people I’ve never met who like, reblog shit I don’t want reblogged, & that’ll bug me, but mostly I don’t remember those ppl as individuals & beyond that, like.. there are irl ppl I’m afraid of, but if I thought they had any positive feelings towards me, at all, that fear would dissipate. genuinely. & I doubt you are them, whoever you are.
so if you’re in any of those categories, i probably would like you fine under different circumstances than whatever you’re thinking of, & if you aren’t I can’t imagine I dislike you at all.
p.s. everyone, I’ve let autocorrect make all my I’s capitals bc I’ve been using just my phone for a while, & I’m tired of making them all lowercase for continuity’s sake. even though I do love continuity. ne’ertheless.
all i have are a few thoughts like that in a “who’s less sane” contest there are no winners.
and that i should be concerned or upset here but i mostly feel empathy combined with bewilderment. the empathy is like, i feel you on the not-sane thoughts in general. i do.
the bewilderment is bc i don’t think of myself as able to have that level of emotional impact, most of the time. there are a lot of reasons for this, but.
but so my brain reads this almost as something not real or disconnected from ‘me’ or, it tries to and then i tell it to stop and it does and then we are confused and, repeat cycle