tomorrow i’m going to wake up at some point. and try to make it into the city to drop off the last of the forms and pick up the last money. and then i’m going to go to a place where people are eating food and drinking beverages and socializing with other people the way humans do and i’m going to know that most of those people are going to see me cry a lot. and i have to accept that now, or i won’t be able to handle it. i have to process it now. have to have to.
i just remembered you saying as part of a metaphor that if you were my roommates, you would be confused and find it upsetting how i stay in my room all the time and avoid being in common areas unless alone and etc. etc.
and it’s fucking sad and ironic because it presents the idea that just ignoring people or disengaging from them and hoping they get the message is you know, kinda screwed up
except … yeah.
and actually remembering that i’m just confused and sad. just really fucking sad. not angry, i think i could be, i could let the sadness be anger but what good would that do? it wouldn’t do anything. it’s actually just incredibly sad. everything is incredibly fucking sad.
was sitting here getting really sad because i can’t talk to you, and that is just really fucking sad. but then i thought, would i be any less sad if this was a month ago? probably not. because i haven’t actually been able to talk to you for a long time. with no sign other than being ignored or told i am stressful (but also that everything is fine. always fine. fine fine fine okay okay okay until reality starts to bleed away). it was sad then too, i just pretended it wasn’t and drove myself insane trying to act like it wasn’t, because clearly i wasn’t supposed to be sad. my sadness just caused more stress and made it worse so, try very hard not to be sad, dani (i would tell myself). and little pieces of me broke and died. and that’s what’s been happening to me, for months.
i don’t want to feel good about anything because i don’t want to feel anything because feeling anything is incredibly painful
it’s actually really simple
some little kid was singing songs from frozen in the laundromat and i almost started crying
tomorrow is probably going to be awful and i’m terrified and i want to throw up
called my financial adviser
called my psychiatrist’s office (left a voicemail)
called the counseling place the suicide hotline recommended a few weeks ago, they took my insurance info and said they would call back
purchased a cupcake that i have yet to eat
bought baking soda to clean Sweetness because she is dingy
thought about how mourning a relationship is almost less painful then being in a seemingly endless stasis
did a lot of great work in both my hello kitty theme park world and my hello kitty kawaii town world
i have to still:
take a shower
get more out of my head
6pm is the new 1pm when 1pm was already the new 10am
when you realize you’re getting your period which makes it sink in how much time has gone by where you’ve been this miserable
also now you’re “hungry”
ha ha ha